Jim Harbaugh: You need to be fired immediately. Your starting QB has a possible concussion, prompting the trainers to take his helmet away, but you put him back in the game where he immediately suffers another blow to the head?! And for what?!!! So you could beat a shitty team and still be bowl ineligible?! It didn’t even pay off! You risked that kid’s life for nothing! That was the most selfish and despicable act I’ve ever witnessed in the world of sport.
Replay Crew: You needed indisputable evidence to overturn that touchdown, and like the announcers said, it was indisputably a catch. That was the worst call I’ve ever seen… even worse than the botched replay that screwed Oklahoma a while back. Why the fuck do we have a replay system if we’re going to overturn obviously correct calls? That call was so bad that it borders on suspicious. I’m not the type of crackpot to accuse refs of cheating after a bad call, like the entire Michigan fanbase does regularly, but how else do you explain that call?
Groundskeeper Willie: That turf was bush league. How a field can be in such bad condition when the weather is so perfect is beyond me.
Stanford’s Band: If football is such a big joke to you, then why do you go to the games?
Stupid Goofy-Ass Tree: You look like Drippy from Aqua Teen Hunger Force.
Jimmy Clausen: Stanford’s quarterback knew to throw the ball away when he was getting run out of bounds, and he was freaking concussed!
Asaph Schwapp: You are still the worst fullback known to man.
Luke Schmidt: You are the worst fullback known to man’s backup. You’re playing the wrong sport my friend.
Sam Young: You are terrible. You were nothing but hype. You stink, and I would tell it to your face because even I could knock you over.
Latina: Die.
Polian: Why are you still here? Did Latina give you copies of his X-rated pictures of Charlie? God you suck.
Charlie: You fielded a team that actually got worse as he season went on. Our ugliest, most mistake-prone game occurred at the very end of the season. You suck because you brought a pro mentality to the college game, but you’re going back to New England for answers?! Have you learned nothing?! Fundamentals! Physical practice! Emotion! Go talk to Pete Carroll for Christ sake. Bellicheck can’t tell you anything you don’t already know.
Tommy Z: You’re still cool.
