by: Emperor Dan

I'm a little miffed that I already used a "the horror, the horror" line in the Ted Miller post, supra, so you'll just have to make due with this.



You may or may not recall that Miller is running best/worst case scenarios for each of the Pac Ten teams. But why should the Left Coast have all the fun? So I loaded up my old Enya albums, munched on some peyote, and composed these dream season and nightmare possibilities for the Irish in 2008. As is always the case with me, bad news first...

Please note, this is not for the weak of heart. I myself finished a bottle of Maker's after writing this, and my roommates had to wrestle a revolver loaded with a single bullet out of my hands.



On September 1st, the Monday before the season opener, a new Youtube clip of Jimmy Clausen participating in the "Beer Olympics" surfaces, and after being reported by ESPN and the blogsphere, receives tens of thousands of hits within 24 hours. The damning footage clearly depicts Clausen performing keg-stands and beer-bongs, among other horribles. Fr. Jenkins applies pressure to Coach Weis, and by Wednesday, Clausen is suspended for the first 3 games.

The team is understandably rattled, but thankfully senior quarterback Evan Sharpley leads the Irish to a 17-3 lead at halftime. Tragedy strikes early in the third, however, as Sharpley rolls his ankle trying to evade pressure, and is forced to leave the game. Determined that Dayne Crist should keep his red-shirt on, Weis sends in sophomore QB Brian Castello. The results are predictably disastrous: Castello throws two interceptions and fumbles away a snap in the second half. Meanwhile, the running game stagnates as there seems to always be a missed blocking assignment on rushing plays. The Aztecs come back to tie the game in the 4th, and only a Brandon Walker field goal saves ND from humiliation. ND 20, San Diego State 17.

Sadly, the humiliation was only delayed. A reinvigorated Michigan offense takes the field the next week and runs the Irish defense all over the field. A hobbled Sharpley has returned but sticks mostly to the sidelines, as the Wolverines hold a 2-1 advantage in time of possession at the half. The Indiana sun is still sweltering in mid-September, and it takes its toll on the beleaguered Irish defense. Fatigue sets in, and what was once just a double-digit deficit balloons into a blowout. Michigan 34, ND 13.

The Irish then travel to East Lansing to play who they now discover is the actual best team in Michigan. Javon Ringer rushes for over 200 yards as the word "Heisman" is thrown about. Brent Musburger, calling the game, is audibly aroused as heaps praise on the Spartans, and they win in a route. Michigan State 45, ND 16.

Feeling undeservedly snubbed by lack of playing time, Robert Hughes transfers to Northern Illinois. Rumors of a poisonous locker-room atmosphere begin to surface, as no upperclassman has taken up a significant leadership role. Purdue rolls into South Bend, already psyched up to play their in-state "rival", and capitalizes on the hapless Irish. The once beefed-up offensive line reverts to 2007 form, only slower from the added weight, just in time for Clausen's return. Jimmy is sacked 7 times. Joe Tiller is carried off the field. Purdue 28, ND 17.

Talk of firing Weis intensifies as Stanford comes to town. Charlie calls a closed-doors meeting with the team, pleading with them to resolve their differences in the name of the program. But after seeing three straight teams dismantle the Irish, Jim Harbaugh walks into Notre Dame stadium with a plan, and he leaves a victor, in overtime. The players are booed off the field. Stanford 28, ND 24 (OT).

The Irish travel to Chapel Hill to face upstart Tarheel team that is surprisingly undefeated. They stay that way. North Carolina 30, ND 21.

During the following bye-week, Fr. Jenkins huddles with AD Jack Swarbrick. Each is beset by angry emails and calls from alumni and boosters. Swarbrick is still adjusting to his new job, but he notes that the second half schedule looks easier for ND. He counsels that immediately firing Weis might ruin Irish chances at even these "gimme" games. Jenkins refuses to go over the head of the man he just hired 3 months ago, but he instructs Swarbrick to begin looking for replacements just in case.

Notre Dame lands in Seattle without 2 of their starting defensive linemen. The week off has not been enough time to recuperate for any of the defense, as they have been pounded for 5 straight weeks previously. Tyrone Willingam recognizes this, and unleashes his fiercest Husky, the Pac Ten's best QB, Jake Locker. Terrail Lambert twists his knee trying to tackle Locker, en route to his third rushing touchdown of the day. The Huskies improve to 6-1, and Willingham is given a 4-year contract extension. Washington 35, ND 21.

The Irish return home at the start of November to a half-filled Notre Dame Stadium. Half of that are Pitt fans. Both halves are hostile. Notre Dame stays competitive early, but the crowd pounces on the slightest Irish misstep. The Panthers begin to pull away by the 4th quarter, and the freshman section begins to chant "Weis: Resign!" A few upperclassmen, knowing better, try to stop them, but only half-heartedly. Pittsburgh 33, ND 17.

Next weeks brings the weakest Irish opponent in 2 months: 3-5 Boston College. The Eagles are doubtful to make a bowl, and consequently, to them this is the biggest game of the year. BC fans mock last weeks' ND students' chant with a refrain of "Re-sign Weis!". Boston College 24, ND 17.

After 8 consecutive losses, Charlie Weis is fired. Corwin Brown is promoted to interim head coach, Tenuta becomes defensive coordinator.

Brown rallies the team, determined not to lose to the Naval Academy for the second straight year. The game is hard-fought, but Irish finally emerge victorious. ND 30, Navy 28.

The joy of an Irish win is soon dampened the following week, when prized recruit Cierre Wood decommits from Notre Dame. Still, Notre Dame manages to stumble their way to victory against the Orange. Not that many fans stood in the 37-degree freezing rain to see it. ND 27, Syracuse 14.

For the final game of 2008, the 3-8 Irish meet with the 11-0 Trojans. Mercifully, most of the pre-game commentary concerns whether USC matches up better against LSU or Georgia in the BCS championship game. Angelinos laugh at the rag-tag collection of Irish players as they enter the Coliseum and spend most the game preoccupied on their cell phones. The faces visible under the golden helmets, those that aren't pointed at the ground, are utterly emotionless, as the gameclock ticks away the final moments of 2008. USC 53, ND 6.


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